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“You’re a piece of shit, Michael Coward.” That’s what Tommy called me. For once, someone was right, and at first it
made me angry, and then it felt good.
In reflection of my previous blog post I now realize that
some things were said in recklessness.
Of course those who read it would sympathize with me, because that’s
what I’ve designed it to do. We all do
it, make ourselves look like the victim.
It doesn’t make my actions any more right, nor would I neglect an
apology because of the normalcy of the sin.
In reflection of the past hour of my life, I realize that my
initial attempt to defend myself was as immature and stupid as I was told I
was. It’s true. I don’t know anything about real life. I’m trying to figure it out. It’s true I’m immature, and I don’t know how
to fix it. But let me make it known that
I looked Jason and Tommy in the eyes when they told me these things because I
knew they were true. Let me make it
known that wrath no longer burns in me as much as repentance does. I cannot undo what I have done. I said Jason was living in a “dreamworld”. Sure I said it in a non-work
environment. I wasn’t in uniform or on
the clock. Should be it be disregarded
in a professional environment? Only CFA
would say, no. Should it be disregarded
among friends?
In short, I screwed up.
I lacked discretion and tact, and I defaced the name of my company and those
there. I said things about people that
meant more than I thought they did, and I said things in a way in which I didn’t
mean them (in fact the opposite was understood). I hope that my close friends, Ben and Krystal
primarily, have truly accepted my apology.
I hope that Tommy realizes that the words he didn’t let me speak to him
was “As a Christian, I am sorry, and asking your forgiveness.” Everything Tommy said was right, and too right,
too soon.
I almost made it to Saturday. I almost got away with it, and you know what? There’s a reason I didn’t. At first I was put out at the accusations
made. But I ruffled my share of
feathers. I dealt with injustice unjustly.
My blog was a place of venting and expression. It was the one place in the universe where I
felt I could be selfish and get away with it.
I could talk about myself and the way people had hurt me. The last post was nothing short of my way of
saying that I was leaving and why. I
said I was leaving because work kept getting worse, and I blamed it on the GM
and I said that others would eventually buckle under the increasing
pressure. Is it true? I believe it is. Should I have said it? Perhaps I could be worded things better and
made my point better, but when it comes right down to it, it wasn’t worth
it. I would be done in three days and
what I posted there is nothing I haven’t said to those who I spoke of except
Jason. But Jason didn’t need to be
spoken of. He didn’t need to be
mentioned.
I am humbled and I am broken. It’s just been a matter of time. It is no one’s fault but mine. I will go on with life. I will learn life one lesson at a time. Lesson here?
People will never understand me, and I will always disappoint them. I wanted justice. I wanted a workplace where people were happy
because they weren’t understaffed or running out of everything. I wanted a place where people were rewarded
for their hard work. It seems in my
reaction to that injustice I have created a monster. What will I do?
Tommy would not hear my apology in the office. I will probably write him a letter. A letter he can shred or read. It will feature my apology. Why?
Because I’m a screwed up Christian.
Actually, that’s redundant. I’m a
Christian. I will send him a letter with
no expectations of forgiveness.
To those I love: my family and friends, and those at
Chick-fil-A: should the details of this
be read by those who are concerned for my actions, I want no phone calls. I don’t want anyone to call me and tell me what
a bad person I am, or how I need to come around and stop being a certain
way. I don’t want anyone to call my
father and tell him he needs to talk to his son about what’s going on. No, I know that I’ve screwed up. I was talked to already, by Tommy. And now, as an adult, who knows jack-shit
about real life, I will face the music.
Even if Tommy forgives me, I estimate that I will be unforgiven professionally,
and I will cope with that.
God has made me pay dearly for my sins, and thankfully not
dearly enough. He knows my black heart
and has finally found a way to humble me.
At last he has caught me, and dragged me kicking and screaming into his
arms and told me that he is going to fix me, and it’s going to hurt, but he
loves me. Shall I die a bitter man in my
old age? Or shall I go through life with
vigor and perseverance? “A cynic is a
man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing” (Wilde).
My repentance and apology is only the first step in what I
must do to right my wrongs, for this is obviously not my only
transgression. My second step? To make this my last post. I have abused this blog to the very extent
that I can. In spite of my attempts to
hide my personal life and sins on it, I have opened the door to them.
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